Diffusing Anger
No matter how hard we may try to avoid a volatile situation, there will come a time when you have to deal with an angry person. Whether it’s a boss, co-worker, team member, associate, employee, customer, or even a friend, at some point you will have to handle both the anger and the underlying issues.
Arguments and healthy debates are a vital part of life, and learning to handle anger at a low level stage, can generally keep it from escalating to a problem.
While it’s easy to think that anger is the other person’s problem (and it may well be), anger left unresolved can lead to other problems: dysfunctional teams, sabotage (intentional or unintentional), broken relationships, and distrust. It can even escalate to violence.
Here are some suggestions for dealing with anger:
Stay Calm. This one can be tough when you feel like someone is really “in your face.” But remember, it’s much harder to argue with a person who is calm. If you can stay calm, it will take the emphasis off the personal (argument) and can keep it focused on the underlying issue. Staying calm also gives you a momentary emotional break to collect your thoughts about what the REAL issue may be.
Use “I” Statements. If you’ve read any self-help books over the course of your lifetime, you’ve seen this suggestion over and over. Why is that? Because it works. So why do we so frequently resist using “I” statements. Generally, we fail to use “I” statements because we get caught up in the anger of the moment. We focus on being right, rather than reaching resolution. Try to make a conscious shift in your responses and see how “I’m afraid that I don’t understand what you are saying” is much more effective than “You don’t make any sense at all.”
Focus the interaction on the current dispute. Just like in our personal life, in business we should strive equally as hard to keep the petty comments, accusations, cheap shots, and personal attacks out of the conversation. These blunders can seriously, and perhaps permanently, damage a relationship. When you can avoid bringing the past into your present conversations, you can focus on the current situation.
Listen. REALLY listen. It’s an action word, and means that you are focusing on hearing what the other person is saying, and understanding what they mean. It does not mean you are marshalling your thoughts and getting ready to fire back a comment that will win the argument. When you become other focused, rather than self focused, you can resolve the issue rather than become stuck navigating the waters of ego.
Look for a quick resolution. Get the argument over and done with, and look for a way to heal the rift and get things back on track. If the argument has been with a business associate, make sure you find a resolution that allows you to continue working together, without resentment poisoning the relationship. If the argument has been with a customer, look for a way for the customer to feel good about the result, even if they later feel badly about the behavior. In all situations, it is better to put anger behind you and move forward, rather than to hold onto it and let it erupt at some other inopportune time.
Anger will never go away. It’s a healthy emotion. Left unchecked, however, anger can distract people from the very core of what needs to be accomplished. Learning ways to harness your own anger, and to diffuse it in others, is a skill set worth acquiring.
Tags: anger, communication-skills, conflict_resolution, getting_the_best_form_your_team, Group Dynamics, leadership, Leadership Skills, leadership.developing-leadership-skills, leadership_skills, managing_employee_relationships, Personal DevelopmentRelated Stories
POSTED IN: Conflict, Group Dynamics, Leadership Skills
6 opinions for Diffusing Anger
RisingSunofNihon
Sep 1, 2006 at 7:33 am
I thought this was great advice. As a manager at my last job, I often had to deal with disgruntled or angry employees. It’s very difficult to maintain calm when someone is screaming at you, but doing so really does help get the situation under control.
Mary Jo Manzanares
Sep 1, 2006 at 8:58 am
It is tough, isn’t it?
I find that taking a couple deep breaths help, but it’s still not easy to stay calm when someone is in your face.
Maybe some other readers have some suggestions about what works for them. . . .
Bryan C. Fleming » Blog Archive » This Week’s Reading List
Oct 24, 2006 at 7:45 am
[...] Mary Jo Manzanares presents Diffusing Anger posted at Leadership Turn, saying, “No matter how we try to avoid it, anger is a part of our business life. We can’t eliminate it, so we may as well learn to deal with it.” [...]
simon
Feb 26, 2007 at 6:08 am
I always find a kick in the balls helps
CarolEsse
Jun 24, 2008 at 10:01 am
I agree, anger has become an everyday occurence in our lives and it is up to us as individuals to deal with it as effectively as we can. This should be a 2 semester class in high school - this topic has become hotter than taking history to learn from our mistakes. What surprises me is the source (I am trying to avoid excuse here) that people draw their anger from. Today I had a high school principal get in my face; he screamed at me and he had no idea who I was or who I needed to talk to. Unfortunately it was him. His reason: “I have 200 students to get into the classroom right now; I can’t deal with anyone.” If he is that angry to me, a complete stranger, I can just imagine how he behaves towards those people we are trying to teach to be responsible adults. Oh so sad….
Miki Saxon
Jun 24, 2008 at 10:33 am
Carol, thanks for stopping by and sharing what happened.
I have always been amazed when people offer a reason for anger, lying, cheating and other negative actions with the obvious assumption that the reason makes the actions acceptable.
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