How To Become Truly Assertive

Assertiveness skills are very important in many situations but particularly in leadership; by being assertive you are letting people know what you want, need or prefer, in a way which is acceptable to both you and them. Put simply; assertiveness is about getting what you want without upsetting anyone!

Let’s start by defining assertiveness.

Definition Of Assertion:
“Expressing opinions, thoughts and feelings in a non-defensive manner clearly and openly. It is being able to make requests and to refuse requests that are unacceptable”

Indicators Of Non-Verbal Assertive, Aggressive & Passive Behaviour:

If you want to become more assertive, pay particular attention to your non-verbal behaviour as this needs to be in line with your verbal behaviour. If they are at odds it is the non-verbal behaviour that is usually believed. The following are indicators, and only that. Just because someone does not have good eye contact and looks away a lot, does not mean to say that they are passive. It is their whole demeanour that is important.

Assertive Non-Verbal Behaviour
- Firm eye contact, not staring
- Expresses anger and pleasure in face when appropriate, sincere reaction
- Features are steady, not set or changing frequently
- Stands and sits upright
- Open hand movements – relaxed posture, head held up

Aggressive Non-Verbal Behaviour
- Tries to dominate by staring
- Finger pointing
- Gives very knowing smile and set face when angry
- Arms crossed
- Stands and sits upright, head ‘in air’, leaning forward
- Raised eyebrows in disbelief
- Jabbing movements with hands, banging desk, clenched fists
- Paces impatiently
- Sits forward or steps forward

Passive Non-Verbal Behaviour
- Hesitant eye contact
- Looks away often and down
- Over smiles, gives ghost smile, even if angry
- Quick changing features
- Slouches, head down
- Fluttering hand movement, or playing with fingers or wringing hands
- Sits back or steps back
- Eyes raised in anticipation

Now let’s take a look at verbal behaviour.

Indicators Of Verbal Assertive, Aggressive & Passive Behaviour:

Assertive
- Questions to find out thoughts, requirements, etc. of others
- Offers suggestions and ideas, not advice
- Never blames others
- Distinguishes fact from fiction (assumption, opinion)
- Steady voice, clear, well pitched, warm and sincere
- ‘I’ statements. ‘I prefer’, ‘I’d like’
- Clear concise statements, to the point. ‘I’d like to introduce this into the department within 3 months’, instead of wrapping up what you want with so much waffle it is unclear what you actually want
- Focusing on what can be done, not what can’t be done
- Problem solving statements
- Ability to give and receive feedback, both developmental and motivational

Aggressive
- Hard, brusque, over firm, voice rises at the end of sentences
- Too many ‘I’ statements
- Abrupt statements, often containing ‘My’ said in a superior fashion
- Hostile, threatening questions
- Blame put on anyone but self
- Gives feedback in the form of ‘Well, what you should do is…’ Does not solicit or accept feedback easily
- Doesn’t ask questions to find out facts, makes assumptions
- Sarcastic, point scoring
- Assumptions and opinions are put over as facts – uses statements like: ‘Well you probably wouldn’t remember’, and “ Not that you’d understand”

Passive
- Often lifeless voice, too quiet, monotone, over warm, voice drops away at the end of the sentence
- Waffle, long-winded statements
- Uses lots of “fill-in” words e.g. ‘Um’, ‘Yes’, ‘Well’
- Continually apologises and asks permission
- Few ‘I’ statements
- Puts self down, ‘Well I never could do it as well as you’
- Feels the need to justify a great deal
- Agrees with people, often with people of opposing views (Just to keep the peace)

In Summary: We All Have Assertive Rights
. The right to be assertive
. The right to choose not to be assertive
. The right to have and to express our views
. The right to be listened to
. The right to make decisions
. The right to admit we don’t know
. The right to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty
. The right to be consulted about decisions affecting us
. The right to change our mind
. The right to be treated with respect

In fact, the right to do anything that does not violate the rights of others.