How to Eliminate Defensive Communications

Do you frequently find yourself involved in verbal battles with other people?  If so, defensive communication may be part of the problem.

Defensive communication occurs when one party to a conversation feels threatened, attacked, or is trying to protect their self-image.

Oh sure, we all react defensively on occasion, and it is, in fact, a legitimate defense mechanism.  But when all our communication carries the taint of defensiveness, it can ruin both personal and professional relationships. 

If you have a goal of eliminating defensiveness in your own communications, as well as not provoking it in others, consider these ideas.

• Keep a communication log with details about situations where you acted defensively, or that you provoked defensive behavior in another.  Like all behaviors, changing it requires first being able to recognize it.  When you have some distance from the event, reflect on ways you may have been able to handle the situation differently.
• Prepare for situations where you know defensive triggers may exist.  If you know that you have a stressful situation coming up, practice responses for questions or comments that might otherwise trigger defensiveness on your part.
• Strive for clarification.  If you are not understood, it is not a reflection on your competence; it’s a reflection on your delivery of the message. Try re-phrasing, asking questions, and clarifying to make sure you are delivering your intended message.
• Watch the tone of your voice.  Sometimes a simple thing like tone of voice can provoke defensiveness in others.  Don’t believe me?  Think back to a recent conversation you had with a teenager.
• Pause and reflect.  Always think before you speak.  Gathering your thoughts will help you speak with authority and calm.  Act.  Don’t react.
• Acknowledge your hot buttons.  We all have individual triggers that provoke us.  Try to recognize yours, and to avoid them in others.
• Take a time out.  If things are hopelessly off course, take a break and schedule a time to begin over.  The important part of this suggestion is to re-schedule the discussion, not to postpone it indefinitely.
• Take the high road.  Sometimes, despite our best efforts, communication gets out of hand.  You can’t anticipate, prepare and eliminate every possible scenario.  Don’t be afraid to take the high road, let go of your ego, and move on.  Ask yourself if it’s really going to matter five years from now, and then let it go.
• If you’ve provoked defensiveness in someone else, apologize and get the conversation back on track.  “I’m sorry, can we just start over” can work in most situations.
• Recognize that sometimes you’ll be wrong.  This may be a shocker, but sometimes other people really are right!  Be prepared to admit it and move forward. 

Remember, the burden of successful communication rests with you.  If you are not being understood, it is not the other person’s fault.  By removing any vestiges of defensiveness in your speech, and trying not to provoke it in others, your chances of being understood are dramatically enhanced.